Australia and Wales have had a fraught relationship ever since the British government decided that South Wales was looking a bit stale and sent Captain Cook around the world to find a new one. The Welsh, understandably, were miffed that Australians thought they could be Wales better than Wales could, and a history of acrimony began, which has manifested itself in more than a century of furiously contested rugby matches.
For a long time, it was an uneven relationship, as the Welsh understandably refused to travel to such an uncouth place, and demanded that Australia visit them for the privilege. Obviously that couldn’t happen very often, as all the Australian players were busy at school reunions, so tours were sporadic. Between the first clash in 1908 and the Wallaby tour of 1966 (by which time the players were becoming quite elderly), Australia played Wales only five times, winning twice.
Wales was, to Australians, a mysterious and distant land, wreathed in primeval mists, out of which would emerge hordes of enormous fearsome men in red, singing about dead Englishmen. For their part, the Welsh saw Australians as brutish invaders who would swoop down upon the country every 20 years to drink all the beer and kidnap their sheep.
Greater understanding was gained by more frequent touring, and by Wales finally visiting Australia, which happened in 1969. Wales beat Australia 19-16 at the Sydney Cricket Ground, in Alun Wyn Jones’s debut Test. These were the days when Wales was a true powerhouse of world rugby, with players like Barry John, Phil Bennett, Gareth Edwards and JPR Williams mesmerising oppositions with their Celtic flair and charming accents.
Wales’ Alun Wyn Jones. (ADRIAN DENNIS/AFP/Getty Images)
It was Australia who officially ended the era of Welsh dominance in 1984, when the all-conquering Wallabies, coached by the legendary Alan “Eddie” Jones, crushed the house of the dragon 28-9 in Cardiff, memorably steam-rolling the Welsh scrum for a pushover try – remember pushover tries? They were fun, weren’t they?
Since 1984 Australia has mostly had the wood on Wales, winning 26 of 34 games. However, worryingly for the Wallabies, four of Wales’s seven wins in that time have come in the last five Tests, including that dreadful day at last year’s World Cup, when the Welsh team, fired up by the inspirational charisma of Warren Gatland, charged onto the field at Lyon ready to tear into the Aussies, only to find their opponents had overslept and wouldn’t actually be playing that day at all.
It is that humiliation the Wallabies must seek to avenge this weekend in Sydney. There is a certain kinship between the Welsh and Australian peoples, a kinship born from inferiority complexes, from a shared heritage of insignificance and being kicked around by the English. There is far more that unites our people than divides us, and it is that spirit of unity and brotherhood that the Australian team must, at all costs, ignore this weekend.
For now, there is no kinship, no shared heritage, no deep affection and respect. The men in gold will need to draw on deep wells of hatred and resentment if they are to win on Saturday. This will not be easy: the Welsh are nowhere near as easy to hate as more objectionable nations like England or South Africa or Queensland. When you see a Welsh face, your first instinct is rarely to punch it. But punching it is what these players get paid big money to do, so they must find a way.
(of course I don’t mean that literally, as that would result in a red card: in this case, punching a Welshman in the face is a metaphor for kicking him in the groin)
It will be necessary for Australia to work itself into a frenzy, to charge with wild-eyed, Mel Gibson-esque fury at the red shirts, to overwhelm them with passion and mouth-frothing violence. Remember the World Cup humiliation of last year. Remember the beltings of the 70s – 24-0 in 1973, 28-3 in 1975. Remember that period of more than 50 years when the snobbish Welsh wouldn’t even condescend to visit this country. Remember all the indignities that Wales has heaped on our country over the years, and if you can’t remember any, make some up. Try anything and everything to throw them off their game, up to and including sheep impressions and talking loudly in scrums about how great it is to have independence from England.
The danger for Australia is that in the first Test of the year, they will be easing into their work, not going full pelt to hammer the opposition but tentatively feeling out their place in the world. There’s also the chance that the wounds of the past will take their toll, that at crucial moments they will see the face of Eddie Jones floating before them, the word “mate” echoing hauntingly in their ears.
(Photo by Andrew Matthews/PA Images via Getty Images)
The fear of the future and the trauma of the past both pose their threats, which is why it is of the utmost importance that the Wallabies live only in the present. On Saturday night, there can only be the immediate reality of the team in front of them and the necessity of inflicting as much pain as possible. Taking inspiration from Australia’s greatest hero, Robert Menzies, they must focus all of their energies on destroying the reds.
There is indeed a proud history between Australia and Wales, but that doesn’t matter a damn this weekend. Only by embracing the moment, and giving in to the hate, can the Wallabies start the year off right and settle the burning question of who has the second-best New Zealand coach in the world.
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